When I came to this place I was wrapping up my life. You have to know what you have before you let it go. Remembering my people and my past was a way of sorting out the ending. Playing dress-up with the characters and returning to the roots of my youth was a beginning. Learning “concrete abstract poetry” from Mr z was an added bonus. Fledgling fiction was a dream with a shelf life.
I started to tell you my story….In an attempt to figure it out. How extraordinary to feel safe on the internet. In the final analysis, most of my secrets, are not secrets at all. This week a counselor told me she thought I lost my filter when I got hit in the head….Perhaps, I never had a filter anyway.
You were familiar to me, not a puzzle, but a promise. I have met myself on this stream of souls one hundred times. You have nudged me awake.
I was always amazed that my heart still knew the way….. Love is a form of energy, and grows, like the new plants that surround the stump of my tree “of life and death” in the front yard.
The Meta Fair has been a series of delays and anxiety. But I move one foot in front of the other to my mid-life leap of faith. Arms outstretched I float through the mire and ask myself "Why not....?"
Spoke to Daisy this week and we laughed until we cried. Life is not so serious. Friends have been there for me to help me peel the layers. In this process, I found I am not hollow at all. Daisy helped me get another bag of onions.
Read the tarot for another friend (who lives closer to Daisy than to me). She is on the road to recovery from a debilitating illness and will soon marry the man that she has always loved.
Once in my 20’s a palm reader talked about my 3 children. I only had 2 daughters. Until there was Hunter……the child of my child. He cried tonight when he went home to his apartment. He is mine too, but I will share with my daughter.
Perhaps, I am a classic in the Pollyanna mode. I have come to the belated conclusion that, while pain and numbness are a part of life they can never drown the joy or extinguish the light. Life is not really a path or a stream at all. Life is art....art that goes on all around me. Chaos transformed, then finally the possibilities and logic drop out of the storm and land at my feet.
My daughters are my heart. They prosper as they grow away from me. The house is always filled with people. I often seek refuge in quiet moments away from those links on my karmic chain. My people that I have known for many lifetimes. Like Miss Marple I meet them again and again with different faces.
I have lived through my greatest fear here. When my daughter was on the edge of death I became a tourist in my own life, one more time. Fear often seeks the company of optimism to smooth its cutting edge. All things being equal, or at least concurrent, my fear and my optimism blend into a lovely rainbow. I wish them for everyone, at least a healthy balance of each.
My own soul synergy moves from the darkness, and clings, like the new plants to circle the remains of the tree of "life and death". I think once, I fancied that when the tree died so should I. What a silly thought. My ending is a beginning. Planted in new soil the journey is rooted in rich familar soil.
I watch the sunset and think of romance. I watch the sunrise and think of sex. I have lived this year letting go of a true love and moving towards the safety of a new romance. It has occurred to me that perhaps I would like to be in love one last time. This is not impossible. The idea appeals to me.... and pulls at me.... and tucks me in at night.
I talked to my future last night. One of many late night conversations indulged in, with a man I've known for years. Timing is everything. I have been lucky all my life. Now I'm working on my timing.
Who knew, at 50, my future would be a Republican, a man with a beard from Maine. Goodbye faded cowboy. Hello to hearing that I’m beautiful every day. My Leo ego is alive and well. I shake my mane (freshly dyed almost blonde). Something different is growing in my life….a new dance to updated music. A little romance drifts in with a touch of magic mist.
I still believe in happy endings.
