Whenever, I think I have come through the fire and cannot be touched..........Whenever, I forget who I am, I want to remember my truths. Today I was thinking perhaps I am better than I was. But I realized I only feel better than I did.

These were my truths on 1/29/06. They have not changed. It occurred to me they never will. It also occurred to me that I don't want to change them anymore. Perhaps my truths are meandering down a lazy stream. Character defects I built myself..... Skins of an onion that no longer make me cry.......A mess and a miracle....I am awake!

 

The truth can only set you free, if you lied in the first place. Sometimes a lie is social lubrication, much kinder than the truth. The truth is relative. I cannot know your truths..I must know mine.

A long time ago, I heard clearly that a lot of life is about forgiving your parents and letting go of your children. This was before I married and had children and long before I understood what I needed to forgive my parents for....But I heard it and it stayed with me.

 The truth is that I am a better grandmother than I was a mother. The truth is that I am a better mother than I was a wife. The truth is that I was a better wife than I was a daughter. The truth is I am getting better. The truth is I am a slow learner. Those are my truths today.

DON'T MISS THIS CLICK

 

 

I had a male secretary once. He was efficient and  quiet. He had large hands and  sometimes patted me on the shoulder or would brush my hand with his.  I was at least 5 or 6 years older than he was.  I can’t remember his name now, but he worked on the project team for at least 6 months. He had served in the  1^st Gulf  War. Mainly I remember his hands and his eyes. He had that dark intensity that I found so appealing back then……

 

I was the non-manager”  still in the “non-marriage” I never mixed business and pleasure. There were temptations.  I really wanted to sleep with him, but never even asked him to coffee. After all, I was his boss.

 

Last week a much younger man asked me out….Now why did I say no? I think it was because I was 90% certain that he just got out of prison and he had a body filled with jailhouse tattoos.  Guys with lots of tattoos are either braver than other guys or they really seem to like me…..Nothing wrong with tattoos……nothing wrong with getting out of prison, but I’m not looking for that dark intensity anymore….I have a tendency to get lost in it for a short time and then move on.

 

I had an affair with a much younger man once. My head injury erased it. Now that is something I would like to remember.

 

John's number sits on my desk. Sometimes timing is everything. Here I am a 50 year old woman who would rather keep starting over than repeat the past or deal with present.

 

The truth is I am getting old and I have never been real skinny. But for some reason I don't have trouble attracting men. Flattering for the ego but not the source of long term comfort. Perhaps they see a little dark intensity in me....  

 

The autumn is here. The blood is at the top of my skin. I do not believe I would ever remarry. Kokopelli  is dancing in his framed picture on the brick fireplace.

 

My past has moved into my present. My life has turned on a dime. I am not interested in falling in love again. But I would like to do a slow circle dance in the moonlight under the stars tonight.

Circle Dance

.........Lacy J Dalton Lyrics

I dont' know why it should be so hard
Givin' up this circle dance
Worn out steps from long ago
don't give love a chance

It's a bitter heirloom handed down
these twisted parts we play
I'm not her and you're not him
It just comes out that way

Can't go back to make things right
(though I) wish I'd understood
time has made things clearer now
We did the best we could

I'll be home soon, that's what you'd say
And a little kid believes
After a while I learned that love
Must be a thing that leaves

I tried so hard just to hold you near
Was as good as I could be
Even when I had you here
You stayed so far from me

Can't go back to make things right
(though I) wish I'd understood
Time has made things clearer now
You did the best you could

Now that this has occurred to me
I just wanted you to know
I've been too faithful all my life
It's time to let you go

---

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Born in September...

A brave month when a cool breeze calms the heat.

A brave life when you turn the corner,

Waving goodbye to the past.

A change in the weather

A change in your life

Seems to me all the Virgos are in transition

The journey seems to be a fine one!

 

I Love You All

Happy Birthday to September's Children

Things are spinning, as opposed to sitting still. I think it has to do with the fact that I am now present in my own life.

 

 Heightened awareness, and  feelings, lots of feelings……..  I am optimistic and excited and ambitious and pursuing dreams. Ideas are popping into my head at an alarming rate. The Meta Fair is going to be a reality. I am stumbling. I am overwhelmed. To recognize the joy there must be pain.

 

Damn it’s good to be alive. I am writing fragment sentences again….Strange how I equate that with mental health. I am using little dots instead of punctuation. I was never a child that put a circle over a little I. This is fun.

 

In the last 7 days I have started talking politics again with Marvin, the hermit.  Marvin has been in my life for over 20 years.  And I have never slept with him. Go figure…

 

I met a Russian mobster, and his Vietnamese son. I asked him what he was doing in Vietnam 35 years ago. He said he was an intelligence officer working against the Americans. Very much like we did when we armed bin Laden waging war in Afghanistan against the Russians in the 90’s.

 

I met a second generation  Irish guy. He is starting a  branch of the “Sons and Daughters of Ireland”. It is going to be big. They met and formed on the internet and are starting local chapters nationwide. His wife wants to run for public office. This is going to be interesting.

 

My date for the Meta Fair is “locked in” November 12^th.  

 

 We won a softball game.  I hit a grounder directly to the third baseman. I need more power at bat. We play again Thursday.

 

A really gorgeous man asked me out on a date. He was young, 36. I am 50. I was flattered. Perhaps I remind him of his Mother… I turned him down and kept his number. Just in case.

 

 After I got my tubes tied I found a rubber in my ex-husbands wallet. Actually you could see the indenture through the wallet. He said, “Just in case.....” I always wondered if that meant, he might meet a stanger on the way home from work and wanted to be ready. Or  maybe he might see a hooker at the 7-11, when he had an extra $20. I left him 2 weeks later.

 

My oldest daughters baby’s daddy and my oldest daughter are moving towards marriage. He wants my Blessing. She could care less.  She is doing great. New better job....back in college...new car....I am very proud of her.

 

My youngest daughter is doing well. She has never been in the closet and now she is openly dating. I am very proud of her…She has 6 months sober.

 

My neighbors’ mother died making him one of the richest men in Dallas County. He has lived across the street since 1974. This isn’t a terrible neighborhood but he could have moved to a much better one.

 

I banned him from the front yard a couple of years ago. He is back. He likes to come over when we sit outside and smoke. He is a sad and lost man and his Mom just died. As long as he doesn’t say ridiculous things about God’s wrath on New York and destroying the demons in Iraq he’s welcome.  

 

Ann Richards died.

 

A couple of weeks ago I ran into Germany T at the library. I hugged him goodbye. I think it shocked him. I knew he was going to be shipped off to Iraq. I didn’t tell him. He found out today. I never liked him much when he was dating my daughter.  He is a good kid and he will be a good soldier. I will be praying for him a lot. Sometimes we know things in advance.  This can be a blessing or a curse. But the knowing is there, whether we want it or not.

 

The blood is at the top of my skin. I am awake. I am alive. Every heartbeat is a reminder. I have a second chance and this time I won’t screw it up.     

 

NoWhere Man...Click Here 

 

The Iceman Cometh Click Here

 

 

 

A light snow covered my clothes. The chill in the air made me shiver. I turned to my companion and spoke. "We are getting close, Drago." My voice was a strange sound. We rarely spoke these days. Like me, my friend was the intuitive type.....Most of the time the words were spoken without reaching the air.

 

Drago was a half breed. He was also known as, the Dragon, or even the Magic Man. He and I had traveled together many times. The alchemist woman and the medicine man were outcasts to some. But we understood each other.

 

We were close to a path we had been on before. But this time we were nervous. Our friend Leo was always fearless. Drago and I understood the risks. Reconnecting with the group would be a dangerous business. Some had lost their way entirely in time and in madness. And Leo the eternal optimist, was gathering the lost. A gathering that could unify our power once again, a return us home or destroy the "Lost 12" forever .

 

"He's waiting with Dan. It's getting dark. Let's go." Drago broke the silence by speaking aloud. He was a man of few words and many thoughts. Being his friend was like an ancient chess game. I constantly had to focus in and filter out.

 

I had miscalculated (it happened often) the wagon train was at least a mile away.

 

 

As we walked we shared memories of our friends. We spoke without words. We shared images without effort. Our longing was unrequieted  but cautious. As we trudged the path in 1846 we knew that others were moving towards the wagon train. It occurred to me that maybe Drago and I were the only ones that were truly lost....because we remembered so clearly.  Of course there was Leo....dear Leo. But Leo was a pioneer. He was not really with us when it started and he kept in touch with everyone. I smiled at the romantic notion of the "Lost 12" which were really 13. Leo rarely mentioned that there had been stragglers and Indians in our party. All 22 of us had been lost from the Donner party. We were all connected by our memories and our truths. And now some of us wanted to stay lost.

 

 

 

 

I so wanted to see Dan and Joy. But perhaps it would be like awakening a sleepwalker. Perhaps they like some of the others  would prefer to stay "lost".

 

We stood at the edge of light made by the campfire. In the glow of the fire I saw the faces of some of my friends. There were Dan and Leo.  Joy had joined them. Her laughter rang out into the night. I saw Blossom sitting by the fire. I took one step forward.    Drago touched my arm to stop me....I reached inside my pocket and touched the stone. Not mine really, I was only the keeper of the  “philosopher’s stone”. It felt warm in my fingers.

 

I looked to my left and Drago shook his head,,,"It's too soon. I'll meet you here before Pierce arrives." He disappeared and and I knew that I would have to get there earlier. I walked away and into the night.

 

 The gathering had begun….