This is an amended repost of pieces of 2 of my early blogs. The original title was "Letting Go of Linda" but I only want to let go of the sadness. The threads of our friendship are woven through my heart. I will be keeping Linda with me forever.
It's the middle of the night. If you don't like sad stories don't read this.
I'm trying to piece together my memories here. Linda was a big influence. She is one of a handful of people that I have loved so much that when I lost them they didn't leave. Linda is still a part of me today.
In 1978 when i got sober, I didn't realize that life (aging) has definite stages. So does sobriety. When I was in my twenties I had no idea that by the time I was 49 I would be relating incidents by the decade. I met Linda in 1980 or so. She had 6 years sober.
Linda was a beautiful soul. She was a very small blonde woman with a big goofy smile. She had buck teeth and Big thick glasses. She looked like a bunny rabbit. One of my first memories of her was her laugh. I heard it across the room. Her laugh was high pitched and lasted forever. She was funny as Hell and crazy as a loon. I loved her on sight.
Linda was one of those people that noticed everything and she tried to explain it to me. She had grown up wealthy. Her parents (in 1980) still lived across the street from White Rock Lake, surrounded by "old money" Dallas. She married an engineer. He gave her their life plan on their wedding night and pretty much stuck to it for 10 years. Linda had 3 kids. A boy around 13 and 2 girls(10 and 6). The husband was seeing other women. Finally she got the courage to leave.
I really got to know her when she was going through her divorce. I was a woman in my 20's trying to stay out of trouble. She was a woman in her mid 30's that was looking for trouble. She rented a house not far from the group.
When she moved out of her parents house at 21 she moved in with her husband. She was in a nasty custody battle for her kids. When her kids were with her ex it was the first night she had ever slept in a house alone. She had trouble making decisions (she'd never had to make them before). She kept cigarettes all over the house in little ornate cigarette boxes. She smoked while she talked. We went to movies and concerts together. She never stopped talking. She told me her life. I still remember how her parents met and how she spent her wedding day.
This is where the story gets strange. Because Mick was strange. Mick was a big handsome guy. He was dramatically handsome. He had soulful eyes and jet black hair with grey streaks in it. I met him when I was volunteering in a Alcoholic Rehab Unit, where he was getting sober.
Mick was very charming. Actually, he was just my type. People were always impressed with him. He knew how to impress. The only real date we ever went on was to a party for the German ambassador. I'm not sure how he got invited, but lots of people there seemed to like him. He professed his love for me 20 minutes after we met. I kept him at arms length. Maybe I was waiting for him to sober up. Maybe I just recognized the devil for once.
Linda got access to his medical records where she worked. Yes, apparently his Dad had murdered his Mom somewhere near the Grand Tetons. She thought that was the root of his problems.Mick admitted that every woman he'd ever been in a relationship with had been institutionalized for various mental problems. Linda believed he was picking sick women.
Up to that point, I had missed the desperation in her eyes. She was lonely. She was living a little vicariously through me. I was dating a couple of guys and Mick told everyone he was going to marry me. The truth was I was tempted to sleep with him. Whatever he was selling I wasn't buying.
Linda didn't like being alone. She asked Mick to move in with her strictly as a roommate. She was already losing her custody case and that sealed the deal. Linda bought lots of lumber and supplies. Mick was now a carpenter. Linda told me she was in love with Mick. They didn't look like a couple. She bought him a little red truck.
Somewhere along the way Linda became the group treasurer. All the donation money, most of it cash, was going through her hands. She started dipping in the till. She was struggling to keep him in projects. She was just struggling to keep him, I guess. She started drinking like a demon was following her and maybe he was. All the women that I knew tried to help her, but she never got sober again.
The last time I saw Mick he got me to one side and told me that if we could be together he would dump Linda. When I told him to forget it he cried.
The last time I saw Linda she was going to hock her parents silver and getting ready for a cross country trip with her "soulmate"
The last time I saw Linda she was driving a car that did not go in reverse. She parked on the side of Dwayne's restuarant so she could drive around the building to get out. Her car was filled with hockable items from her wealthy parents home. She smelled of Jack Daniels and Chanel Number 5. I gave her all my wisdom. In desperation, I begged her to get help. I told her Mick was a creep. I thought about telling her I had slept with him....it would have been a lie. If I thought it would have made a difference I would have told it. When she drove off I knew I would never see her again...."All my friends blown to the wind.."
That's the thing about remembering...You can't stuff the genie back inside the bottle when you want to...
Mick was evil, all right and I am sure he has left a trail of broken women in his wake. But Linda with her fragile ego and big eyes had a choice. Life was not fair, but she chased her anchors. I have to believe it was her choice. She chose to grab that damn anchor.
Six months later we got the news that Linda hung herself in a halfway house in the Midwest. Mick had dumped her there and left.
About 6 months after that, Mick tracked me down. He called me at an AA meeting. He wanted to know where Linda was buried and pay his respects to her parents. He wanted my home phone number. I told him to go F**k himself. He laughed and said he couldn't believe I was still alive. I hung up. I never heard from him again. But for years I kept thinking I saw him. The devil in a little red truck that Linda bought him.
FRIENDSHIP
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