I said on December 16:
"Feel free to tell me if it offends you, you can even ask me to put my onion away...Maybe I will. But I am not an eggshell walker I got bone tired of that long ago. I may break a few eggs here....I may be cooking an egg and onion omelet sometimes this weekend."
WARNING THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE AND MAY HAVE NO RELEVANCE TO OTHERS
"Better save them thar eggshells, ya might have to eat 'em later!"
I believe that sex without the physical presence of another human being is much more a fantasy experience than a romantic relationship. I love fantasy but I am not creative enough to make fantasy sex work for me on the internet.
I once as a joke, said I had a dream where I was in bed with 2 men and a woman on the stream. Those words came back to haunt me.....However the funny thing is I have never been attracted to women in the first place. And never slept with a woman in real life.....I have always had male and female friends who happened to be gay. In college, a female friend that I was introducing to a persistant guy, wanted to experiment. I couldn't get around the fact that there was no chemistry or inclination to go there. Maybe if I had been drunker, but then I was a blackout drinker so I wouldn't have remembered the experience anyway.
So I had all the booze to myself in the front room and my invitation for a threesome split off into a duo in the bedroom. After drinking straight from the bottle for awhile I couldn't even hear the action from the other room.
Sometimes in my relationship with my boyfriend I get frustrated. He is all about intense feelings and short term validation. Our pattern puts me in the nurturer role. It is what it is....You cannot force the person you love to give you whatever you need. I have no intention of trying. Most of the time I do not know what I want from him anyway. Maybe that is because I already have it.
I am not frustated where sex is concerned. So being somewhat superficial and not the demanding type I will stay where I am. My perceptions could be a little off on relationships. Most great nuturers do not forget the birthday of their nuturee.
As far as being addicted to sex. I never have been. In my Sundance Saloon posts, I talked about a teenager with no self esteem that slept around. That Jackie was not looking for sex she was a drunken teenager being taken advantage of by men who did not care. She died when my sobriety was born. Her death may have had something to do with the rape by someone she trusted. She died a quick death. The new Jackie was born with the realization that she had value and wanted to live.
The sad thing about the Sundance Saloon posts is that some men were attracted to that Jackie. I can write her, but I never want her to show up again. My lost child is better gone...she was too sad...she did not understand joy
Even though I was single until I was 29 and I never again was returned to virginity. I feel no regret with my sex life or my love life. I think I have probably in bits and pieces revealed the whole thing here. I was sober, and in possession of all my faculties. Sometimes I made poor decisions, but they were mine. Sometimes I was more interested in chemistry than love. I take full responsibility for those decisions and I do not feel bad about the chemistry.
I seperate my experience on the stream from my real life, because my private comments to and from another blogger were not about romance, love, or even sex. They were about fantasy for me.
This was another case of poor judgement and not understanding or clarifying another person's expectations. Before I sleep with someone I always have "the talk". Explaining where I am coming from and what we expect from each other. With my online fling there was no such clarification. If I had really read what was being written I think the anger would have been apparent. Instead, I jumped right in. Hindsight is 20-20.
The whole thing ended badly and I ultimately disclosed the whole sad affair. I finally had to disclose it because someone else's anger was public and not going to go away. Whether he was angry at me for not continuing the PM's or for being "popular" is still a mystery to me. The deja vue of having been kinda close to someone threatening to expose me did not escape me.....Before I got sober I paid $20 for some photographs I never did get back.....and so it goes....
The energy was so confusing that I think it is why I stopped sleeping with my real relationship. Not just confusing energy but mixed up morality and a very angry person on the other end of those comments. I hope I don't sound like Bill Clinton denying it was sex because it was only a blow job. But sex "between the ears" as my friend Rita says is not enough for me.
I still like to flirt. I still talk to my friend from Maine. I have learned however, that I am not equipped to have any kinda internet romance. My days of being mindfucked are over. I like the real thing.
So eggshells come from broken eggs. And I do not want to walk on, or around, these particular eggshells anymore. I thought I would throw them into the stream.
