"If humor was the foundation of my life, men were definitely the first floor"

 -Gilda Radner

"Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb"

-Gilda Radner

"Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end."

-Gilda Radner

"Doctors are whippersnappers in ironed white coats

who spy up your rectums and look down your throats

And press you and poke you with sterilized tools

And stab at solutions that pacify fools.

I used to revere them and do what they said

Till I learned what they learned on was already dead."

-poem by Gilda Radner

"It just goes to show ya, it's always something"

-Roseanne Roseannadanna

"Oh. That's very different. Never Mind"

-Emily Litella

"That's so funny I forgot to laugh!"

 -Lisa Loopner

"Or a wanted poster with a signed confession"

-Kate Hellman (Hanky Panky)

"Autumn Fizz, the carbonated douche"

-SNL parodie commercial

"I would like to stick the parallel bar in her eye"

-Olga Korbut