I have never been big on Valentine's Day....Tiny cherubs and red hearts never did it for me....When I was younger I favored the Fourth of July kinda love (fireworks, loud music, longing and dramatic moments).
I read what Dazey and Debunkem had to say about love ....I saw what Lucy added to her list of 100's on her top secret blog.
Today my Grandson's Grandma Terry came to visit him...Early on in the Stream I wrote about her and reposted it later. I repeat myself. Sometimes it is intentional, I learned it from Ice....Terry is not Hunter's biological grandmother.....Terry (the woman that I resented and was so unkind to) has a great capacity for love. She loves Hunter with all her soul and he loves her back with his. She is huge and toothless and her hair was thin and getting grey. She told me she loved me when she left. I swear I would have jumped in the truck with her and hugged her neck if I coulda fit in there. Terry is one of my lifelessons. She taught me a lot about love and a lot about me.
I spent some time with my friend Annie today. Annie is of the opinion that no one is happy. When she started trying to analyze and minimize the people we know I used my new tactic. I turned it around. She was raging against my cousin Cara for marrying a much younger man. I reminded her that she is living with a much younger man herself. I think that Annie goes on these tirades, especially when people appear happy, because she has always been unhappy. Annie is a different kind of love for me. I love Annie, anyway.
Last night I talked to my AA sponsee. I left the lights on for her at Christmas. She is sober. She wants to live. I believe she will get her miracle. I also think that her probation officer (who is also in AA) is doing more for her right now than I can.
When I washed dishes Hunter brought his chair over and I helped him to the counter. He sang the clean up song from Barney. He is my heart. His mother, my daughter used to love Barney. When she was 6, I took her to the mall to see Barney....But the person in the Barney outfit was stricken by the heat and the crowd was turned away. She cried broken hearted. Carly my daughter, my child of broken windows and brilliant dreams. I believe now that she is really becoming a mother and I feel joy instead of pain as my Hunter pulls away from me in her direction.
Samantha, my Sami, is a "she" that feels like a "he". She has the Aries optimistic singlemindedness. Sami has found her way into PolarB's American Indian Spirituality (another coincidence) although Sami doesn't even know PolarB....She has stopped having sex with her girlfriend. Not because I insisted. She says that she refuses to hide who she is. She will wait for a relationship until both parties can be on the same level. Sami will never be in the closet. And I do not mind if she reads this...
My children are charming and funny and very bright. They draw people from everywhere to them. Hippie Tim claims they are the children of Atlantis. They both in very different ways are dedicated to helping others. They are rare gifts. They are blossoming in spite of my failures as a parent.
You see my kids were orphaned once. Their Dad left long ago and a few years ago I had a head injury. They never got either of us back. Before it happened, I was a single Mom and a part time Mother. The truth is my kids were being raised by a wonderful live in nanny/housekeeper named, Maria. My career was established I had dreams of retiring at 55. I traveled more than 50% of the time most years.
I managed major projects all over the country. I have not lost the memory of the experts like my sister that I brought in to explain team dynamics. I changed sequential processes to concurrent processes. I was successful. But the real secret back then was incentives, and not being subtle I always boosted the financial incentives. Money was very important to me. Money was the best fuel to assure on time completion of any project.
My sister, who I love, but sometimes do not like has 3 degrees. Her job and her calling requires her to be an advocate for children. I have a tremendous respect for all she continues to do. She is dynamic in her job. She is a person who makes a difference every day. In another school district when I had an issue with one of my children, the counselor there wanted to call in an "expert". The expert was my sister.
Being an expert has not helped my sister with her own children. But over the years, watching the first born try to do the right thing in life has been heartbreaking and I believe it has broken her spirit. I noticed yesterday while she sipped her hot tea that her eyes were very sad. I love my sister, but we have never been friends. She still has many of her friends from childhood. She kept 2 of them despite the fact that they slept with her husband. I will never understand her.
When I had my head injury, I lost my life at least the life I had before. And I thought my intellect. My dreams were foreign to me. My roots were gone. I had no visible scars, I looked the same. At first I did not even know my children's names. My neurologist warned me that head injuries create personality changes. I had a personality change once in my twenties when I had a spiritual awakening (Like William James talks about) "of an educational variety", in AA. I have always celebrated the first "change".
The second personality change has not seemed like something I would ever celebrate. Because my children lost me and I never came back. I thought I could go back. Now I do not even want to.
The much scoffed at concept here of seeing God in people is not unusual in spirituality through the ages. The only reason I believe in miracles is because I have seen them. But that does not negate the fact that blind men and women can feel love without seeing the eyes or the body language of the object of their affection. On the stream some of us talk in digital shorthand. It is a stange energy field. People here have developed unique relationships and friendships.
Perhaps verbal communications is more important in conflict resolution, but it is not a prerequisite for love. Because love cannot really be defined. Just as everyone sees God through different eyes. Everyone feels and expresses love differently. There are also in my case different kinds of love.
I have said that I love people here. For some reason people take issue with that. Because we are people. Human souls have the capacity for great power when they are combined with each other. Some people on the stream feel that emotion.
It does not make me a spiritual guru to ponder this phenomonon. What I am is obsessive. Every time I try to write about what happened to me today...I end up with stuff like this. My blog, my journal, my theatre.....I think it is Ok to write what comes out, maybe because I can't help it.
There are people here who are puzzled by the stream or do not feel it or deny they feel it after they reveal it.....Whatever they feel that is what they feel. I just think it is very strange that these are the people who are critical of what other people are feeling, or saying, or doing. I remember enough of my own therapy sessions to understand when someone is minimizing the feelings of others. No one enjoys ridicule or being minimized. Especially not by people they respect for their brilliance and humour. Brilliance shines through here. In becoming transparent, as some have chosen to do we also become vulnerable. Some have unintentionally revealed themselves. It must be uncomfortable to process.
The much ridiculed concept of loving people on the stream will not stop some of us from doing it. We can't help it. There really are no leaders or followers at all. We are reader's and writers. On some level we are sharing and hiding and loving and denying.....because we are all doing what people do. And I for one am grateful.
Because whether I am just "in need" of love and made you all up to love me or whether you are really there, you have been loving me back to life.
Note: the pretenders on the stream have nothing to do with any recent conflicts. 
Before I continue I want to mention one Australian friend of mine, her initials are GG, I apologize for the 365 e-cards I sent you. I want you to know GG that each one of them meant something to me.
It's 8:30 and the Nigerians haven't shown up yet. I guess I need to go call them.
