Do not let the ripples on the stream,
Steal away your gentle dream.

Yours is a good and seeking heart,
Every searching soul will play a part.

We need your clear voice back,
To keep our wayward ones on track...


It would give me so much sadness to have lost a friend like you

Coloconnect

I hated to leave my last post up today. While Pie is at church my poor piece of writing sits on my blog. It tells you who I am and what I feel. Journaling in public can be painful....

I did not take the high road. So if I was on a pedestal before I am down now. I felt angry when I wrote it. My anger was not like a dancing devil. My anger was like the shots of a tornado on Puppy's site. Thirty minutes later it was gone.

Like Val, I have always wanted to defend those under attack. In my lifetime I have sometimes turned away.I felt you and I were under attack. I believe I know the reason for the attack. Words can attack... If someone wants to cry "Fire" in a crowded theatre and cause a riot then they are held liable for the damage. If someone is interested in standing back and reviewing the damage to the theatre and see who survived the riot they need to travel to where real riots are taking place and watch people being hurt.

I manage this little theatre. THERE IS NO FIRE HERE.

The truth about myself is not very deifying. If I was on a pedestal, I am down now. I do not believe that anyone ever confused me with God, anyway.

It is true that here we sometimes know each other without faces
I may never be able to understand the power of this particular energy field. I may continue to write about it. PolarB says I am heading the right direction.

Maybe it is not so complicated. Maybe it is deeply complex. My friend Belle shares beautiful quotations. So I will follow her example.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "We have a great deal more kindness than is ever spoken........How many persons we meet in houses, whom we scarcely speak to, whom yet we honor, and who honor us."

What I wrote two blogs ago I still believe...When people reach out and no one is there it is the saddest thing of all. When I wrote my last post I was afraid. So I do, despite my denials still care what people think of me.

Dazey is my friend. She took her dog to training. She recently moved. She loves to read, and sketch. Dazey used to work in the court system. There was a woman there who was a bitch and tried to make everyone feel bad. Dazey was a little wilder when she was younger. She once went to a party and the hosts were later murdered. Dazey has a great sense of humour and a longing to find another relationship. I know Dazey...I love Dazey. Dazey knows me. Dazey loves me.


So I said to my friend Dazey...."I guess my onion is completely peeled, now" and Dazey said to me..."Get another bag of onions..."

I have revealed things here about my life and my feelings. I have talked about sex. I have told you who I am. I have analyzed most of the relationships I ever had on this digital piece of paper called a blog. I was drawn to the disclosure aspects. I equated it with my AA experience. The 4th and 5th steps are about seeing what you have and giving it to God. I told you about my rape years ago. I said that I was "easy" when I was a teenager. I described my sex life with John. I talked about my daughter on my blog to seek advice and support. That is trusting you with my life.

Maybe I am repetitive. Maybe for me "repetition strengthens and confirms"...My thoughts are not very unique. I have always said that I take what I can find. I have responded to images of real dead people being mocked by live people on the blogstream by saying I think death needs to be treated with respect. Sadly I am not shocked by these images...only saddened.

I have responded to a certain attitude about rape and the monsters among us by educating myself with the numbers. I wrote about rape and found out that I was not alone (even here). I was overwhelmed.

I have talked about spirituality. Mine is a simple uncomplicated understanding. I spent time in my twenties studying religions. Ultimately, I got involved in metaphysics. I have talked about my belief in reincarnation. I have shared my favorite meditation.

I am a people person. When I was younger I felt I was helping them. I have tried to be considerate and loving of the people on the stream. Like Diesel I really do believe I know some of you and I love some of you. When I feel love I am not shy about expressing it. In my life outside the stream I am a toucher.

My belief is that it really is better to try and understand you than to be understood. However, I have used this as a platform to be understood. I am not sorry that I have reached out to you. I see God in you.

I told you why I came to the stream in my first 2 blogs. I was truly looking for a second chance. Now I realize that I was also looking for a second chance to help people. The most joy in my life has come from reaching out to help others.

Last about sex. I like sex. I do not think this conflicts with spirituality. At times, it has been an obstacle, on my road. I have been divorced for 10 years. I was seperated almost three years before my divorce. Most of the time I have filled my life with other things besides romance. My relationships have sometimes been spaced years apart. I have been with John for 5 years. During the middle of this time we abstained from sex for a year because he had a slip and I was willing to continue the relationship on a "friends only" basis.

I am not sure if I said it out right or if I just hinted that I have indulged in fantasy sex over the internet. It has been here at the blogstream. I am curious. I am experimental. I am not sorry I tried this...

At 3AM this morning I called John and asked him what he would think of me for doing this. He laughed. He was not angry that I woke him up. John thought the whole thing was very funny. I do love John. I usually don't care what people think of me. I do care if I ever do anything to hurt John. John and I are alike in some ways. I think the whole thing is funny too. I am not willing to give it power over me anymore.

The other blogger that I have shared PM's with has decided to wage war with my blog. Coincidently, I refuse to communicate privately with him when he started his game. After a week or so I really was not up for this type of relationship. It was boring and pointless. He threatened to reveal to the world that we had these communications. When I responded he erased his messages to me and left my words up. I stand by my words here and there. The man is a toad.

I have been very upset. I want to take the high road. The only good thing is that I am able to feel real time anger. Since the comments on his blog have been altered I thought I would copy them here..I have copied them completely...Including the comments of another blogger. I was really responding to the rudeness she was experienceing when this conversation started. Anyone that is not interested in the DAM game is free to read another blog today.

This blog is for those who talk about the truth and want to shake other people up or shock them. The ones who want to hide their pettiness after the fact. I do not like secrets. I need a wide road. Maybe I am an ostrich or maybe some others are vultures. Maybe it is both. I think it is very odd that someone who cries out against censorship wants to alter what you read about them.

I hope to post here again. I am what I am. I do not like half truths. I am a 49 year old woman that makes silly choices then must live with the results.

####################################################################

I could begin some riots myself by making statements about a very popular blogger here at the stream. I will test the waters and see.

Is it reasonable to think from reading the following comment written on Coloconnects blog that some view her more than a mere mortal woman?

"Colo, don't you think we see in others what is in ourselves? You see God in others ... but we see God in YOU. Once again, you share wonderful thoughts. Thank You, Taylor "

I 'love' Colo dearly and regularly go to her blog, however lately the comments on her blog seem to consistently place her high up on most unlikely pedestal. I felt queesie to read someone saying "we see god in you", and referring to Colo. I think there is a limit and this particular comment whether its meaning has been missinterpreted or not, is certainly my limit.

Colo's comment section has become too soft soul centred and impressionable with idealistic feel good remarks for me. It seems that others have developed her blog image into something of a guru. Remember I am making these statements about the comments on her site not Colo herself.

It seems that Colo has become an "elixir" of greater proportions to some bloggers.

Kenoath |< << >> >|



by Kenoath (PM , CC ) on Wednesday February 8, 2006 @ 7:21 PM

Kenoath, i think the problem is that most people run to things that are nice. I would rather lie in bed and drink lemon and honey, have well wishers, cards and gifts instead of getting the flue shot (as painful and scary to me that is), geting up and get on with things.

The "sleeping it off", though the flue itself is still not pleasant, can be used as an excuse. Where as when we have a healthy shot in the arm, we have no excuse and the niceness factor drops considerably.

I'm impressed about the way some blogs have the ability to give us a break from everyday life(sometimes harsh reality). But I like to balance that with realistic, full on, 'lets face the facts' kind of blogs too.

Like getting a lollie after the shot in the arm... and then
|< << >> >|



by Rosie (PM , CC ) on Wednesday February 8, 2006 @ 10:34 PM

________________________________________

You are entitled to your perceptions Rosie, but in this case you are quite wrong. Kenoath |< << >> >|



by Kenoath (PM , CC ) on Thursday February 9, 2006 @ 7:50 PM

________________________________________

I am well practised in being quite wrong thanks Kenoath, but you must admit, you do like to push buttons and the ramifications are often, "attention" of a kind. My cheeky comment was simply to see if you caught what you were fishing for...

I'm sorry if I caused you an offence, but I figured, you're a big boy. If that was yet another error, then please forgive me. I enjoy watching as you rough people up, even when it's me.
|< << >> >|



by Rosie (PM , CC ) on Thursday February 9, 2006 @ 9:08 PM

________________________________________

You confuse me Rosie. Are you attempting to bully me? You say you like to watch me rough people up. Are you the person you make out to be or have you got another agender. You are again wrong about me and I dislike you attempts to inspire my conscience here. You seem to be the same as me if that is what I might be doing ...as you say!

Kenoath |< << >> >|



by Kenoath (PM , CC ) on Friday February 10, 2006 @ 12:09 AM

________________________________________

Kenoath, I doubt that I could inspire your conscience. If you feel I have attempted to bully you, my intention was not to frighten you. I am a human being, who could know what my agenders are, but I hope they are not to hurt you. Maybe I am what i think you are, maybe I'm not. I can't know that because I don't really know you, now do I? |< << >> >|



by Rosie (PM , CC ) on Friday February 10, 2006 @ 1:26 AM

________________________________________

I will just ignore you then Rosie, if you are unknowable. You sound like someone I used to have these types of "discussions" with. I think that was Carrot Cake. Goodbye Rosie or who ever the hell you are.

Kenoath |< << >> >|



by Kenoath (PM , CC ) on Friday February 10, 2006 @ 2:31 AM

________________________________________

Ken ---Have your riots someplace else....You are pompous and meanspirited.... |< << >> >|



by Coloconnect (PM , CC ) on Friday February 10, 2006 @ 2:41 AM (del)

________________________________________

I have decided that your blog lacks substance and is trying to be too intellectual, but is simply self serving and very meanspirited. This is no reflection on you.... |< << >> >|



by Coloconnect (PM , CC ) on Friday February 10, 2006 @ 2:47 AM (del)

________________________________________

While you are calling me names, I could think of some for you or mention about our private communications but I won't get involved in that sort of thing Colo.

I will write a blog on co dependancy and 'games' that alcaholics play according to social transactions in Transactional Analysis concepts.

Kenoath |< << >> >|



by Kenoath (PM , CC ) on Friday February 10, 2006 @ 2:53 AM

________________________________________

Is this where yo wish to anhialate me now Colo. Like parting couples arguing the woman tells the ex that he was usless in bed. Now, even after you have said good things about my blog you are deciding otherwise now. I understand that you have feelings about the contraversial statements I have made at your blog. I accept that you are making the decisions you are at the moment.

Kenoath |< << >> >|



by Kenoath (PM , CC ) on Friday February 10, 2006 @ 2:59 AM

________________________________________

You silly little man are you trying to threaten me by saying we had private comments and you will somehow out me. Is that what your vendetta is about...I have news for you...I do not care if you want to try to blackmail me in some way...I am not afraid of what you think of me...You can write anything you want...You are a toad... |< << >> >|



by Coloconnect (PM , CC ) on Friday February 10, 2006 @ 3:01 AM (del)

Letting Go Meditation


I also like to call this the Flying Heads Meditation (FHM) It is especially effective when being used to let go of a person. I hope that in sharing this meditation it may help someone else.

1) Visualize the person. It is easier if you just let yourself see the face
2) Put a light behind the face. Try to feel the warmth of the light
3) Stay focused on the face, but be aware of the light behind them 4) Hold this image until you start to feel the strong emotions that tie you to this person. Could be hate, love, resentment, fear
5) Send the face to the light
6) Repeat this again and again until the face does not come back
7) You may have to repeat this over a period of days....

Another variation which is easier for some people is the Give Them To God Meditation (GTG). In this meditation, instead of the light you send them to a pair of hands. This is supposed to signify that you are giving them to the care of God.

I like my version better because having flying heads and hands was a little confusing for me. With all those images flying around I wanted to grab them to slow them down instead of let them go. Like most of my meditations it is simple and visual. Probably works so well for me because I am simple and visual.

It was shared with me by Rennie S. Rennie was a good old West Texas girl that helped a lot of people. She died in the early 1990's with over 30 years sobriety. She had a lot of wisdom. She was loud and tough, but had a soft center.

I have been taught that when something bothers me that I am the source of the "disturbance"...This is kinda a spiritual truism in my world. So if I maintain an attitude of acceptance I have more peace. I never come to this ultimate conclusion without a struggle. Sometimes when I struggle to let go of people I need this meditation. I use it mainly with peopl because that is where I have most of my problems. This meditation works for people, places and things. It helps me to give my problems to God.

I found the image above, because I wanted to use it to repost my Flying Heads meditation. This meditation has been important to me for 26 years. It has saved my life several times. I share it with my friends outside the stream. I would like it to help other people. I will repost the flying Heads soon, but as always, for me, one thing leads to another..So I am moving forward as PolarB recommends "where the Spirit directs" me to go.

I started thinking about how everyone on the Blogstream comes here for a different reason. Sometimes people don't know why they are here.Some are looking for love, or political debate, or even God. A few people seem to switch directions and change before our eyes, just as some find what they need and disappear. The worst thing to me is when they reach out and no one is there...It is almost as bad when some people get discouraged, or angry when they cannot find what they are looking for.

There are some people who think they want to shock us or make us think...but I really believe that they may be the most sensitive of all.

I am kinda drawn to the spiritual and metaphysical. But I thought I was here to improve my writing and test my people stories. Now I know that is only some of why I landed in the stream.

Over at the political or the religious blogs there are 24 hour debates going on. I jump in every once in awhile. But I have become disillusioned in politics and I have studied religion all I can in this lifetime. Not inclined to convert and not interested in converting anyone else I don't stay there long.

There are a lot of people (and I know a few where I live) that met their spouses on the internet....I have been amazed to see these connections result in very stable relationships. But to me (because I am not looking for a relationship) I think of internet love as fantasy. Fantasy is like a cool breeze when you are as commitment phobic as I am. I like fantasy just fine, but the romance I have in real life (which is currently without sex) is pretty stable.

One of the keys is I do love him. The other thing is he refuses to leave me when I push him away. I have been getting a little relationship advice on the Stream. I get it from the blogs of people who are not looking elsewhere. I get it from people who seem to be in good relationships. I think I got a tip from Puppy about what is going on with me and John. She doesn't know it but I read it in her blog.

So I might never be a great writer, or a political analyst, or a religious person. I write like I talk. I am who I am. Certain beliefs I have are subject to change. Certain values I have are set in concrete. Certain things I know I learned here.

One thing I learned is that we are really all looking for people. We are looking for people to laugh with and understand us. Every once and awhile we look for fantasy people or a love connection. We are looking for religious mentors and political consensus. Some of us look around to see if someone is reaching out. Some lost souls pour their anger into the stream, but it is only reflected back at them.

In my 12 step program I had my spiritual awakening 27 years ago. I first glimpsed God in the people. In their eyes and their actions, and finally when they let me see their hearts. Everyone sees God through different eyes. When I look out at the Stream I see all the people. Sometimes the voices are overwhelming. I get confused by all the noise, but when I slow down and don't turn away, I see God in you.