I know..I know...first I revitalize my monsters,and then I do a blog about death. And just to cheer everyone up my blog about violence and rape appears.....Dark times Colo? Are you depressed or just trying to get everyone else depressed?.....Did you move back into a shadow world?

Truth is I brought the monsters back because I wanted to polish the story. I wrote about death (respect) because of something I saw .....I wrote about rape (violence) because of something I read....I was glad I wrote about death, because I had just turned away and said nothing before....I was glad I wrote about rape, because I had just turned away and not reported it (one for me and one for my heart)....So maybe I'm peeling my onion on your time and it's about being honest.....It is true today that most of my regrets are the failure to act kinda regrets. The roads not traveled and the things I would not believe.

I have never been very shy and I have never been very quiet....but I have turned away...I have refused to feel...I have denied...and I am a world class distracter. Just for today I will look life in the eye and not flinch. With no regrets, I will leave no bridge unburned. I want to know everything I have so I can give all of it to God....

Well, I am too old to turn away anymore....

When I read Mokie Joe's blog about "Some Delicate Issues" I got angry....When I researched rape I got even madder....I am gonna put a few statistics on this blog.

By and large I fear that there is still athe thought in some police departments and courts that women are just making false accusations. If that is true then the story is sadder than I would have ever dreamed.

Rape is VIOLENCE. Rape is not a "women's issue". Sadly, it impacts children and men, as well. I believe that the real problem is our culture of violence and not the false rape reports that occur, and are sometimes prosecuted.

Even if 1 in 4 women, (as a Washington Post article suggests} recant and refuse to go forward with prosecution, I believe that it is more likely that some of these women have joined the 84% of women who are unwilling to report their rapes...How much of this unwillingness stems from the fear that they will be perceived as false accusations we will never know.

Nationally, the statistics suggest that the most vulnerable victim population are women between the ages of 14 and 35. But we have, sadly, a staggering volume of child abuse in this country, a growing awareness of elder abuse, and a great many more male victims than we've talked about openly or candidly, until quite recently.

An estimated 683,000 rapes occur each year. Only 16% of rape victims report the offense to police.

 More than half of lifetime rapes occur before age 18, and nearly one-third occur before age 12.

 In a national survey, 28% of college women reported a sexual experience since age 14 that met the legal definition of rape or attempted rape; 8% of college men reported perpetrating aggressive behavior which met the legal definition of rape.

 Nearly half of the rapes and sexual assaults reported to police by women of all ages are committed by friends or acquaintances. As many as 95% of the rapes that occur on college campuses are committed by someone the victim knows.

 Victims of rape often experience chronic headaches, fatigue, sleep disturbances, recurrent nausea, decreased appetite, eating disorders, menstrual pain, sexual dysfunction, and suicidal behavior. Sexual assault may more than double the risk of substance abuse.

 The National Violence Against Women Survey estimates that more than 200,000 women 18 and older were raped by intimate partners in the 12 months preceding the survey.

 Victims of marital or date rape are 11 times more likely than non-victims to be clinically depressed and 6 times more likely to experience social phobia. Some victims experience psychological problems as long as 15 years after the assault.

MY STORY

I was a drunk. I was in college and lived in a University town. I was dating a very "nice" man. He showed no signs of being capable of violence. He later married a well known civic leader's daughter in South Texas. One night he wanted to have sex and I refused (I probably wasn't very drunk). I had slept with him before. He knocked me around a little threw me on the floor and raped me. I was surprised at how powerless I was to stop him.I DID NOT REPORT IT...I thought that I would not be believed. I refused to ever see him again and I blamed myself. This is what a lot of women experience as "date rape". It happened in the late 70's in the middle of my living room....We were both fully clothed when the attack started. I think although I have talked about it some in the past, that I really stayed in denial and did not experience the real anger that I should have felt when it happened...I was numb from the state of my life. My story is not unique...

There are lots of stories like mine, but I wanted to stick with what I know...Colo

No longer tortured by the night
The soul magnet sought the light

Darkside is bright some place
Daylight is night in space

Voices calling
Rainbows falling


Simple pleaful words
Will not go unheard

I will not say goodbye my friend
Sadness changes with the wind

It's raining here. The weather is gray and after yesterdays sunshine it is not too uplifting. We need the rain tho...I have decided I will fill in my 100 Facts on this blog instead of posting them on Fridays...I know I am repetitive. Maybe there will be 5 facts about me in this blog.

Anyway, about life and death. This weekend I went to the funeral home with my adopted daughter Mel. My lifelong friend Sandy had lost her Dad. I saw lots of people I haven't seen in awhile. It was good to see them. Sandy worshiped her Dad. As long as I remember she had feared losing him.

Big Bob was a big guy (about 6'3). He worked for the City all his career. After he retired he became a home improvement nut. He stayed with his wife (maybe to both their detriment) through her years of mental illness and negativity. He saved Sandy from an abusive marriage. He was a likable guy.

The most important thing to Sandy was that her Dad looked "good" in his coffin. It gave her some peace. That was very important to my Mom too, when my Dad passed. She ended up closing the coffin during the viewing because he was so swollen and sad looking she couldn't bear it.

Recently I saw images of human death on a blog. Sometimes I post images here...they are meant to be illusions.....I cannot muster gallows humour. I believe that we have to accept both life and death. I also believe that any life has value and any death deserves respect.

Death is a part of life, but it is easy to understand how Sandy and my Mom and many others feel. I believe that respect is a part of the letting go process.

I have joked to my children that Sylvia Browne is right. I suggested to them that they can toss my body over the neighbor's fence when I am gone. I hope if they do that someone is not there to take a photo. I want to be cremated. I know I will already be out of my body. But there may be someone around that still loves me enough to respect what remains. Someone who is still letting go.

*****This is an amended repost

My friend Dazey of "Daze of My Life", had written some very thought provoking blogs about violence against women. I originally wrote this a few months ago in response to one of her insightful blogs.

For the record, I am 49 years old. I am a sober alcoholic and have been walking the path of AA's 12 steps for 27 years. Many of the events I refer to here are from my past prior to sobriety.

With few exceptions I can look at violence from an outsiders vantage point. Actually, my own cowardice has served me well. I was the first one under the table. In some respects, I lead a charmed life. Raped once by a drunken friend escaped one monster.

I have known monsters... There was Wolf. I do not remember his real name, but he was like a wild mean animal. His dark hair was worn in a pony tail. His dark eyes held contempt. Wolf was my first fiancee's friend. He was a good looking guy. It was only his eyes that seemed out of place. The female bartender was the first to warn me about him. Then one of the other girls. I barely knew her, but saw me talk to him and spoke quickly to tell me that he was dangerous. Neither reported their rapes. Both had tried to warn me.

I was a drunk. Every time I took a drink I felt like I was gaining control. During one of my many breakups with Tommy, I found my way to the club.

Wolf was there. I sat beside him at 2PM pretending I was looking for Tommy. I drank free, I flirted, I toyed with the monster. Then at 8PM I went to the women's room and sneaked quickly out the back door. I walked around the pool and went to my mobile home. My roommate/brother was home studying for a test with some friends. Less than 10 minutes later the monster appeared. He made an excuse (he too was looking for Tom), then he left. I was elated I was in control. I was safe.

Wolf jumped into his truck and drove to the apartment complex where he did maintenance. He broke down a co-ed's door and beat and raped her. When I left town a week later, she was still in critical condition. I escaped Wolf, but she did not. He was guilty, but I helped to unleash him. If not for me, it might not have been her. I was very young and I was a drunk. I could not take it back. I played with fire and someone else was caught in the blaze.

I fancy myself intuitive at times. Since then, I have seen these eyes in other men, in a crowd at a trade show, a client in Bellingham, a trucker in Lubbock. I believe I know who they are. They hate women and are looking for victims. I move quickly away. I protect myself. I don't talk to these strangers. I turn the tables and watch them. At least they cannot hide their eyes.

Then there are the monsters whose eyes are not windows to their souls. These like Dazey's monster are the scariest of all. I met Walter in the early 80's. He was married to a nice German lady (for some reason my story has a lot of imported German people in it). Walter had served in Korea. Anyway he looked too young. He was a salt and pepper haired, open faced guy, with blue eyes. He looked like a grown up Dennis the Menace.

Walter told me at the time that he and his wife were not getting along. He was a widower when they married and he was not happy with his wife of 6 years. She was a wild woman and it was starting to wear on Howard. He was a guy that liked his peace and quiet. He had a bird cage in his living room with lovebirds. All he wanted was for everything to be calm. Then came an unexpected tragedy, the house burned down with her inside.

After the fire, I heard the guys talking. Should they go to the police, or not? The whole story was that his first wife had died in a fire too. I don't know if they went to the police or not, but there was an investigation. Nothing could be proved. The birds survived the fire but his wife was lost.

In the 90's Walter remarried. He married a much younger woman with a drug problem. She created scenes and made his life miserable. Walter was patient and loving. He had a kind face. Everyone felt sorry for him. His wife died tragically. She had somehow set the house on fire with her cigarette. Walter was out of town when it happened. I have no idea if the police suspected him. Maybe Walter is just a guy who has lost 3 wives to fire (sort of an every 10 year event). I have no idea about insurance settlements, I never met the first wife. I have no idea if a crime was even committed.The thing is I have trouble with coincidences.

Recently, I ran into Walter. We spoke briefly. He had moved to the country with his fourth wife. Like I say he looked the same. I briefly wondered if he was really in his 70's an it also struck me that maybe the blood of his victims was keeping him young. While we were talking I was wondering if maybe I could be completely mistaken. When he walked away I was pretty sure I had been talking to a monster.